Obsession for Change

I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that feeling when we just don't want to get out of bed. When we just don't want to go to work or do work or do anything for that matter. When we just don't want to face the world!

That feeling we get when we just want to stop everything, stop the world from spinning. When we want to feel in control in a way that makes us feel good and if it doesn't, the feeling that we just want to hide until if feels safe to re-emerge. Most of us start to play the game of avoidance until we feel safe. Many of us never really feel safe, ever. There are just levels of the unsafeness.

Whilst we try to hide and avoid stuff we carry around this uneasy feeling that as we hide, things are continuing to pile up and to some extent we are just making things worse. Not just on our to-do list but something greater within us like our health, our bodies. We have this awareness at some level that we are doing our own bodies and wellbeing a level of dis-service by trying to hide and run away from stuff. Whoa! I'm getting a little anxious just writing about it.

Quite often there is this voice that we hear in our minds. A voice that sounds like it is saying something along the lines of, 'something needs to change'. Perhaps you feel like it's you that needs to change or perhaps you feel like it's something outside of you that needs to change like your job, your partner, your home, your income, how you look, your health, your mindset, etc...

What I have noticed is that sometimes we are just not prepared to be patient to walk through the muddy waters slowly so we stay on the shore until we get the courage to begin. What I mean by this is that we only want to do something if it goes exactly how we want it to go or we refuse to do it at all. We don't try and work through the stuff that is bringing us discomfort because we want to avoid the discomfort not realising the resistance to the discomfort is what is at the centre of it all.

For me, it was never about my job, about the work or about others. It was all pointing to something deeper within me. There is a wise saying that goes along the lines of don't get stuck looking at the finger but rather take notice of what the finger keeps trying to direct you towards.

My journey has led me to a level of understanding where I recognise that it was about the resistance to being with a version of myself that the work or the partner brings up within me. A version that I was trying to avoid. A version of myself that I resist and at times continue to want to resist. A version of myself that I associate with being ugly, bad, cruel, stupid, undeserving, failing, inadequate, unlovable, .... (I have a very strong self critic so the list just goes on and on and on).

Have you observed this obsession with wanting to be at peace so when things trigger us to feel something in contrast to peace we go to fight or flight mode. Have you noticed the culture around us encouraging us to be 'bliss junkies'?

Okay, so then we start to see that it's about us and then there might be this need to want to change ourselves in an effort to fix what we see as being wrong within ourselves. Then we get obsessed with wanting to change and that becomes our focus! That takes us on another journey and off we go again away from the underlying stuff at our core that we haven't fully yet understood.

We pile more shame on top of the shame we already feel because we blame ourselves for how our life looks & feels. We feel like at some level that we are failing because we can't get to the state of being that we so desperately want. We still feel disconnected, unbalanced, incomplete. And because we have done the work to become self aware at some level we feel that we can no longer blame others so now there's no one else to blame. What then? We have become used to blaming things so now the blame just turns on ourselves when perhaps unconsciously (if you haven't noticed) it was already there to begin with, from childhood. The blaming just makes us feel worse so now we are thinking well I've got more awareness but with the awareness I feel worse and more resistant so we come back to that state of wanting to hide or we turn to more things outside of ourselves because we so desperately want to change. On some level the self awareness brings more frustration.

We then perhaps set out on a journey to look to others to supposedly 'fix' us so that we don't have resistance to things and so that we can find harmony with everything and everyone 24 hours/ 7 days a week (ha!). We seek to live in a state of being that we are never ever triggered by anyone or anything else so that we can show up in the world as a well adjusted, successful human being (ha!). I can only speak for myself of course and yes that was my goal at one point, crazy huh. On some level I still would love to live in utopia ;) :) I am a little embarrassed to admit but yes that is what I was hoping to achieve. I thought if I became enlightened, if I followed all the guidance and I worked hard that I would become this peaceful, balanced being all the time. I thought that is what my inner being wanted for me. Perhaps that is still your goal and I am by no means trying to talk you out of it. I trust your path.

What I will say, what is working for me is noticing the resistance to things and sitting with that resistance rather than trying to change my resistance to things. I practice sitting with the version of myself that I have tried to put in a box. I reassure myself that it is okay to feel what I'm feeling and that I do not need to do anything with the energy I feel. I practice showing myself compassion, unconditional love, patience, kindness. I re-parent myself in a way when I'm feeling scared.

I give myself reassurance that I can continue to walk through the muddy waters, at my own pace and that there's nothing I need to change. That I don't need to move at anyone else's pace and that really there is no rush at all because we keep coming back to the same parts within ourselves. I reassure myself that now is my life and it's not about a destination. I allow that self critic within me to speak and I hold space to feel whatever it brings up, seeing that it's just a part of me and not the whole of me. I embrace the energy that moves through me and try to (it's not always easy) show it kindness and thank it for helping me to survive and experience the rich variety of life. I reassure all the parts within me that I am not going anywhere, that I'm not going to run anymore, that I'll give the different versions of myself space to be how they are and that I'll practice non-judgement and at times when I do judge, I'll practice not judging the judging and so on and so forth ;)

I hope that the cultivation of compassion within us all takes us on a journey of not feeling like things needs to change but rather that we can develop a new level of understanding and appreciation for those parts within us that we've tried for a very long time to reject. The benefit for me is that the energy I used to focus on resisting those parts of me are now free for doing other things. That is by no means to imply that I am resistance free nor is that my goal. What is my goal then I hear you ask, well it changes depending on when you ask me ;) but right now my goal is to be open and receptive to the present moment and what it brings as compassionately as I am able and to not be too hard on myself when I do not meet my own expectations.

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